Random ramblings from a fuzzy brain...

Yesterday I wanted to plan and organise. I wanted to get my head together about where my life is going right now. Both big-picture and small day-to-day stuff has been overwhelming me recently, and I need to take control of them. I know this will make me feel better, but my brain's not playing along. It feels as though my head is full of cotton-wool and that I can't extract clear thoughts on anything, and that's pretty draining. I haven't even felt as though I could write about what's bothering me and how I want to resolve it. I'm not even sure that I can now, but I think that even semi-coherent ramblings would be a good start...

• Not having a desk or a study area is proving really difficult right now. When I moved home from OUE City three months ago it wasn't a priority for me. So much had happened in the previous few weeks that I felt exhausted and drained, and I was happy to just have a little time away from papers and organisation and thinking. Also, we spent my first few weeks at home clearing out all of our surplus possessions (soooo many trips to the rubbish tip/charity store/recycling centre!), and getting our house ready to sell. This felt quite cleansing and freeing, but it did mean that we had to turn our study back into a second bedroom to show the house at its full potential. We had to collapse our desks, book cases, box up the printer etc. etc. Yes, our house is that small! I still didn't mind too much, as I imagined our house would sell quite quickly, and that even if there was some time before we actually moved, I would at least know how much longer I would be deskless....
• But, unfortunately, our house selling isn't going anywhere fast. It's been on the market for around a month, but only two people have been to view it. We're permanently cleaning and gardening so that it's just right, but nobody comes. This frustrates me so much, partly because we've already dropped the price so that it is more than competitive, and also because we're just about to lose the amazing flat that we found in Trendy Seaside City...
• I can't tell you how much I love the flat. It is perfect. Spacious, bright, amazing location. Exactly the kind of place I dreamed of living, but by the end of this week it's very likely that it will never be ours. That makes me sad, and not just because of the property itself, but because TSC would give me so many more opportunities for getting out and involved in a community...
• I really need to move away from Sleepy Boring Village, nothing happens here and I'm pretty lonely. I'm sure this is exacerbated by the fact that I was surrounded by people in my College accommodation in OUE City, and that everything I could ever want to do was close by. I knew it would be hard to move away, especially as I'll still be a student in OUE City for the next three years, but it's more difficult than I expected. I love living with LLH again, I wouldn't change that for anything, but he works long hours and is also still taking professional exams (for which he has to travel to London every three weekends for classes). SBV is so small that there is absolutely nowhere to go. We have one shop, but absolutely nothing else. So I can't even go out to grab a coffee or something. Plus, it's very difficult to get to the local town from here, and even if I can get there, there's not much going on. It's a largely retirement community, so local groups and associations are not particularly close to my interests. I suppose I could find something to do, but my heart's just not in it. I truly hope not to be here much longer, and I also don't feel like meeting new people or anything right now. I just want to move somewhere new...
• But, I have to accept that this may take a bit longer than we had originally hoped, and I have to get to grips with life in the meantime. I can't put everything on hold. I have to figure out a way of working in the house, and I need to get organised...
• Organisation is a word that I keep coming back to, but probably because I'm usually a hyper-organised person, but I feel completely disorganised and behind with everything at the moment. I'm massively behind with returning e-mails and calls to friends, which makes me sad and angry with myself, as I miss having my friends around, so the least I can do is keep in touch, right? I also have moutains of paperwork that I need to get through (both personal and professional), and I really need to think about my research. I'm officially taking time out from university until early January (that's if I ever complete the necessary forms!), but I want to be able to hit the ground running then. I want to have adjusted to living away, and I want to regain my confidence in my work, which completely disappeared whilst I was unwell last year. I need to show others that the faith they have in me is justified. I need to prove it to myself.
• Which brings me back to the depression...I still have the odd bad day, but I'm definitely so much better than I was this time last year. I've been off medication since January, and I do honestly feel far less bleak about everything. But I am finding it all incredibly hard work. I often have to make an effort to do things that used to come naturally to me, and this still shocks me. I also have a lot to work through in therapy, and I'm still conscious of the physical effects of the whole thing. It took a long while for most of the physical side-effects of my last medication to disappear, and even now I still haven't regained the energy and vitality I used to have. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy things are much better, but it's still incredibly frustrating.
• So, how do I get myself back on track? I think I need to start with lots of little goals. Making lists on pretty notepads is sure to be a good start. :) Clearing my Inbox, sorting through mail, filing papers...these are all things that will help me to feel like I'm getting somewhere. First priority is finding somewhere for a desk, even if it is a fold-down camping table that I can move when necessary, then hooking up my laptop to the internet here (I'm so sick of using this old laptop without any of my stuff on it), and organising at least a couple of storage boxes to keep things that I'm working on in. That way I would have some sort of space for me.
• I really do think taking control of the little practical tasks will be a good way of helping me feel more postive and more able to face the bigger issues. And, I'm going to use the blog to monitor my progress (feel free to ignore my constant lists if they get boring!).
• Gosh, I've rambled a lot, but I do feel a little better already. I was feeling quite sick and overwhelmed when I sat down to write this post, and I'm not sure if it makes any sense at all, but whatever. I feel almost guilty to post about my problems, as so many horrific things have happened to others recently, and I know that I'm immensely lucky and fortunate to have all that I do in my life. Nonetheless, it is important for me to figure out how to be more at ease with myself, my work and my surroundings.