Thoughts...
I haven't been writing this blog for a week yet, but I'm already totally hooked. I wasn't sure how much I would enjoy actually being a blogger, as opposed to a reader (the lawyer in me is desperate to call that 'bloggee'!), but it feels really good to have a space to write about whatever I want, even if it's sometimes just short inconsequential ramblings. The downside is that the past week has been much crazier than usual, and I haven't been able to blog nearly as much as I'd like. But, I do keep catching myself converting my musings into potential blog posts, which (even though I haven't yet had time to write them!) has really helped me to clarify my thoughts and process things logically. This is massively important to me. I've always relied very heavily on my brain, but things changed 18 months or so ago when I became really unwell with depression, and spent the next year struggling with various different medications.
I don't know how much of it was the depression, the medications or a combination of both, but my brain just stopped working. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't work. I couldn't read. I went from being someone who graduated top of her year in Law School, to someone who could barely write a thank-you letter. I was desperate, and I had no idea how I would ever complete my PhD at a Oldest University in England (OUE). I felt like I was letting everyone (including myself) down. I felt like a fraud who didn't deserve to be at such a prestigious university. I felt awful.
I was however very fortunate. Everyone at OUE was incredibly supportive and they also provided me (and still do) with an amazing therapist. I've now been off medication for 7 months and am much better than I ever thought I would be. Which brings me back to why I'm so happy to be able to think enough to write even the most mundane of blog posts. It means my brain is slowly beginning to get back into the game. And that is something I'm hugely relieved about. I feel like I'm starting to be me again.
I don't know how much of it was the depression, the medications or a combination of both, but my brain just stopped working. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't work. I couldn't read. I went from being someone who graduated top of her year in Law School, to someone who could barely write a thank-you letter. I was desperate, and I had no idea how I would ever complete my PhD at a Oldest University in England (OUE). I felt like I was letting everyone (including myself) down. I felt like a fraud who didn't deserve to be at such a prestigious university. I felt awful.
I was however very fortunate. Everyone at OUE was incredibly supportive and they also provided me (and still do) with an amazing therapist. I've now been off medication for 7 months and am much better than I ever thought I would be. Which brings me back to why I'm so happy to be able to think enough to write even the most mundane of blog posts. It means my brain is slowly beginning to get back into the game. And that is something I'm hugely relieved about. I feel like I'm starting to be me again.
posted by Pink Cupcake @ 12:41 pm
7 Comments:
sometimes I go through times when I have trouble reading and writing, too... I am reassured by the thought that I eventually come back out of it, but the scary part is feeling like I have little control over it.
I'm glad to hear you had support at OUE.
I'm glad you're coming through that. How scary/draining that must have been.
I'm so glad that you're regaining yourself and feeling more in control of the workings of your brain. And I'm glad that blogging is helping in the process!
It sounds like OUE has a great support system. A big "good for you" for taking advantage of it.
Like everyone else, I'm glad to hear things are getting better, too. I went through something a bit like this in the past year, and it has been so exciting to have energy and interest in work again. Glad to hear that blogging helps.
Thanks so much for all your supportive comments. I am incredibly fortunate that OUE has such a great support system for grad students (I wasn't sure that such a traditional university would), and it's great to be feeling a bit better each day. :)
Phantom Scribbler - Thanks for stopping by. I love reading your blog and have a feeling I'll be a regular for Wednesday Whining over the next few weeks as we're in the process of house-moving!
New Kid - Really glad to hear that things are better for you too. It's such a relief for me to be getting back into the swing of things.
I admire you so much for getting through this. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been.
Thank you, Russian Violets...I'm just very glad things are getting better now.
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