Back...

I'm very happy to say I'm back and I'm doing just fine. When I wrote my last 'I'll be back in a few days' post, I was frightened that this next post would be much bleaker, and I can't say how thankful I am that it doesn't have to be. I had been feeling pretty unwell in a whole host of different ways for a couple of weeks, including a reasonably large swelling on my right thigh. I won't go into any details, but the combination of the lump and other pains just completely freaked me out. I was utterly terrified and absolutely convinced of the worst. This wasn't helped by the fact that (until we move) my registered doctor is still in OUE City, so I had to make a three hour journey just to get to see her.

My appointment wasn't until yesterday, so for nearly a week I was trying to keep my fears under control, but really wasn't making a good job of it. At times I managed to stay calmish, but at other times I just lost it completely. I'm certain that losing my father to cancer when I was 14 has made me expect the worst in just about any situation. Other children's parents sometimes got ill, went to hospital, people worried, they maybe had an operation, they got better, and all was right with the world. That wasn't the case for me. My dad got ill, everyone told me things would be just fine, the doctors suspected that he may have gall bladder problems or something else not too serious, but things weren't fine. He went to hospital and never came home. He died within 3 weeks of being diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. That's why I find it so hard to believe that outcomes won't always be bad.

I spent the week blaming myself for ignoring little niggling physical symptoms over the past year or two, which I just really didn't have the energy to deal with when I was depressed and struggling with side-effects (and later withdrawal) from anti-depressants. I decided that if there was something seriously wrong, it was my fault for not addressing these problems earlier. I was distraught and angry that just as I felt my life was really coming together for the first time in years, it was about to fall apart. I was about to fall apart.

And so, it was in this happy frame of mind that I went to the doctor. LLH was able to take a day off to come with me. I don't know how I would have made it through the journey there without him, I was just so nervous. In some ways I was desperate to get the appointment over with, but in other ways I didn't want it to happen. As it turns out, the lump is nothing sinister (although I may need to have it removed at some point), and my many other symptoms are a multitude of minor problems that my doctor attributed to the fact that I've been drained and rundown for quite some time. So I just need to put some energy into getting fully better. I need to eat, relax and exercise properly, and stock up on vitamins, natural potions and supplements. Basically I need to be kinder to myself, but that's another thing I'm not very good at. I seem to have an inner need to over-compensate for the fact I was unwell with depression over the past couple of years, which results in me pushing myself too hard and beating myself up for not meeting my own standards. Yeah, I just need to chill a bit...

I am very happy though. Happy that there is nothing seriously wrong, and that I can now look forward to our move, the next phase of my research and also just enjoying life. I feel very fortunate. I also feel very sleepy. So I'm going to go curl up on the sofa with LLH and a new book about cats that I got today. There's lots more I want to blog about (including 5 great questions that Running2Ks wrote for me, and the Seven Surprising Things meme), but I'll save all that for tomorrow. Until then, thank you so much for all of your supportive comments and good wishes - I really did appreciate them enormously. And, although I didn't really comment much this week, reading all your blogs was one of the only things that could distract me from my fears for a little while, so thank you for that too. :)