Where I'm at and where I'm going...

The last two years seem very surreal to me right now. I moved to OUE City in September 2003, and moved back home just over two months ago. It has been a time of so many different and conflicting emotions.

I was thrilled to become a grad student at OUE. I met the most amazing people...people who were captivated by and enthusiastic about all aspects of life. I made wonderful friends who excite and inspire me. They are some of the smartest and most dedicated people I've ever known. More importantly, they couple their tremendous ability with seemingly endless compassion and thoughtfulness.

I felt so fortunate to have the resources that were available to me academically. I could not have wished for better libraries, classes, seminars, professors. I am still a little in awe of who my supervisor is. I was very excited to be able to work with him, and I relished the prospect of researching full-time in my field.

Despite all the change and all the newness, I fitted in well. OUE is sometimes daunting and bewildering, but I found my niche. I became very involved, not least as President of Graduates in my College. It was not long before I really felt that I belonged. I was part of a community.

I had every reason to be happy and content, but I was falling apart inside. I was depressed, confused and eventually I sought help. I don't believe (nor does my therapist or doctor) that my depression in any way stemmed from my moving to OUE City, but it had a massive impact on my time there. I've written before about the impact of my depression on my ability to work, which was enormously difficult to deal with in an environment that prizes achievement and success so highly. But, aside from having to tell some people about my depression (my supervisor, my closest friends etc.), I lived a life that was far removed from the way I felt inside. I was the person other people leant on. I was strong, happy, active, involved. I felt like a bit of a fraud, but I wasn't trying to put on a brave front...I was getting on with my life the only way I could. It seemed incongruous that I would promote graduate issues and support individual students, yet couldn't cope with my own life. This still confuses me.

I began to feel better a few months ago, but just as I was getting to grips with things, everything changed dramatically again. Stupidly, LLH and I had never worked out any clear plans for the five years that I would be at OUE. Different plans for one or other of us to move had surfaced from time to time, but nothing had ever materialised. We just got on with things, but eventually that stopped being possible. We didn't work apart. One of us had to move. And whilst we would both preferred to have lived in OUE City, the practicalities of life (mostly LLH's current job) made that impossible.

And so I moved back to Sleepy Boring Village. I love being back with LLH and it's exciting that we'll (hopefully!) soon be moving to Trendy Seaside City, but I'm having difficulty figuring out where I'm at right now...I haven't really gotten back into my academic work since being unwell, and I'm desperate to regain some confidence in my ability, but I'm not finding that easy right now. It's difficult to be completely away from an academic environment, especially as OUE does not tend to have grad students that live away (until their last few months). It's even more difficult that I don't have anywhere to work at home right now. Our study is now a spare bedroom (to make the house more marketable!) and all the desks and bookcases are in pieces in the attic. I don't think these physical barriers would bother me as much if I didn't feel so isolated. I don't really know anyone where we live right now and it's not the kind of place where I'd find it easy to meet people and get involved, and, of course, we'll be moving in the next few months anyway.

Anyway, I'm rambling...this post may not make much sense. I'm hoping that writing it will help me to begin to work things out. I need to figure out where I'm going with my research. I need to work out how OUE fits into my life - I'll still be a student there for the next three years, but can't define myself by my active involvement anymore. I need to create a new life here. I need to create balance between all of these things. Tomorrow I'll start to figure this out...