A Room with a View

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Where I'm at...Part 1

It's been blogging-lite around here again recently. I know why I haven't been writing. I think it's the blogging equivalent of hiding away underneath the bedcovers. I'm not blogging because I've convinced myself that if I don't write about things, I won't think about them and then they won't bother me so much. Of course, it doesn't work like that. I don't write about things, but burying my head under the covers doesn't make my fears and worries go away, it doesn't stop me from thinking about them...it just makes them more scary. It's just me and them in the dark.
This realization isn't anything new. I think I've always gone into myself when I'm bothered by something, as though dealing with it all internally will make it less real. To stop people realising how I feel I tend to over-compensate by being very bubbly and upbeat. When I was severely depressed last year, I'm sure that nobody would have guessed. I could be awake all night sobbing uncontrollably and be barely able to muster the strength to get out of bed, but you might see me a few hours later cheering others up and joking around. I don't think it's because I want to hide things from others (I'm a pretty open person), I think it's more that if I admit something to someone else then I can't avoid admitting it to myself. I think I am getting better with this, I've made a real effort to be entirely honest with (at least) my therapist and husband as to how I feel about both big and small things in life. I know that acknowledging my thoughts and feelings will help me to deal with them, especially as I've never been good at blocking things out of my mind anyway. I know that by not getting things out into the open, they just boil up inside of me and drive me crazy. I know all this, yet still I find it difficult to open up.
I started this blog in part because I wanted to be more open. I wanted to post about all sorts of things, and I wanted to at least occasionally post my thoughts and feelings about different aspects of my life. I'd like to write about the challenges I face, the day-to-day happenings of my life, my concerns, my successes... I've not been so good at that recently. I've been waiting for everything to 'get better' before I wrote more. I've realized that my need for things to be 'better' is driven by my need for certainty, answers and stability.
I crave all three of those things. I've had enough of not knowing whether or not we will ever sell our house. I need some more answers to my medical problems, not more questions. And, I need to work out what in the hell is going on with my PhD and other professional matters since I moved away from my grad school city. Everything's just a big mess, and as another year draws to an end, I want some certainty and direction. But I can't wait forever...
I've been back in Sleepy Boring Village for nearly six months and I'm behaving as though I'm waiting for bloody Godot. I'm not living my life because I'm constantly waiting for it to improve. I've got to do something about that...
I've waffled, I've rambled and I'm sure I've lost the interest of anyone who has managed to read this far, but I did at least write vaguely what I wanted. I now want to write some posts on more concrete subjects, such as moving, my academic work, my health, my future plans etc. I feel that if I at least write about where I'm at with them right now, I'll be able to think things through more clearly and gradually make progress. I hope so. Thanks for sticking around...

12 Comments:

Blogger JM said...

hey, I'm still interested. i would love to hear about anything you want to prattle on about.

7:02 pm  
Blogger Pink Cupcake said...

Awwww, thanks Julie. :)

7:08 pm  
Blogger BrightStar (B*) said...

please be open with us! it may help you... it will help us as we learn about how you process things. :)

1:06 am  
Blogger Phantom Scribbler said...

I'm sticking around, for sure. And I'd love to know more about the things that are gnawing at you.

2:57 am  
Blogger Pink Cupcake said...

Thanks B* & Phantom, it means a lot.

11:35 am  
Blogger Queen of West Procrastination said...

I sure am sticking around! Thank you for having the courage to be honest about where you're at, with your blogging community.

Boy, do I ever understand the mentality of "If I don't tell others how I'm struggling, then I don't have to admit it to myself."

5:28 pm  
Blogger Running2Ks said...

This is your blog, your forum, and your home. I am honored to be invited to hear you speak. And you are always allowed to say anything. I'm offering support, as always :)

8:14 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

I sort of know how you feel since I was displaced, fell into a pretty good depression and just felt blah for a long time. I do hope you'll share with us. I'm definitely interested.

3:31 am  
Blogger Limon de Campo said...

I'm with Running2ks: I'm glad that you allow us to read your thoughts. I suspect that many of your readers are dealing with depression and depression-related illnesses, and it's always helpful to read about how others deal with it.

4:45 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto to what everyone else says! And especially Limon de Campo. I can completely understand the need for answers and stability, and the frustration with waiting for everything to start. I felt like that through much of grad school and there are a lot of ways in which I still feel like that now (I actually was planning to post about it myself). Anyway, I'm glad to see you blogging and hope that it is helpful to you!

1:56 am  
Blogger Scrivener said...

What they all said. We're here.

Now I hope I can say this without sounding like a nudge, and I'm only going to try because I know I'm guilty of the same thing, but you do way too much protesting in some of your posts about how much you're boring us. You're not, ok? Just tell us what you're thinking and trust us to figure out whether we want to continue to read (hint: we will). It's an avoidance tactic, all of this concern over your ramblingness and such.

3:08 pm  
Blogger Pink Cupcake said...

Q of WP, R2Ks, Laura, Limon, New Kid, Scriv - Thanks for being so supportive.

Scrivener - You didn't sound like a nudge! :) In fact, you completely hit the nail on the head. I know the reason I protest too much about boring you all is absolutely an avoidance tactic, and not something I only use in blogging. One of my main problems (as I've said in a few posts) is that I'm not great (read: awful) at opening up, and if I can convince myself that what I have to say isn't interesting or worth bothering others with, then I can just bottle it up inside. Thanks for mentioning it though, because although I know it's true (and my husband and therapist constantly remind me of this) it does help to hear someone else say it too.

5:13 pm  

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