Where I'm at...Part 1

It's been blogging-lite around here again recently. I know why I haven't been writing. I think it's the blogging equivalent of hiding away underneath the bedcovers. I'm not blogging because I've convinced myself that if I don't write about things, I won't think about them and then they won't bother me so much. Of course, it doesn't work like that. I don't write about things, but burying my head under the covers doesn't make my fears and worries go away, it doesn't stop me from thinking about them...it just makes them more scary. It's just me and them in the dark.

This realization isn't anything new. I think I've always gone into myself when I'm bothered by something, as though dealing with it all internally will make it less real. To stop people realising how I feel I tend to over-compensate by being very bubbly and upbeat. When I was severely depressed last year, I'm sure that nobody would have guessed. I could be awake all night sobbing uncontrollably and be barely able to muster the strength to get out of bed, but you might see me a few hours later cheering others up and joking around. I don't think it's because I want to hide things from others (I'm a pretty open person), I think it's more that if I admit something to someone else then I can't avoid admitting it to myself. I think I am getting better with this, I've made a real effort to be entirely honest with (at least) my therapist and husband as to how I feel about both big and small things in life. I know that acknowledging my thoughts and feelings will help me to deal with them, especially as I've never been good at blocking things out of my mind anyway. I know that by not getting things out into the open, they just boil up inside of me and drive me crazy. I know all this, yet still I find it difficult to open up.

I started this blog in part because I wanted to be more open. I wanted to post about all sorts of things, and I wanted to at least occasionally post my thoughts and feelings about different aspects of my life. I'd like to write about the challenges I face, the day-to-day happenings of my life, my concerns, my successes... I've not been so good at that recently. I've been waiting for everything to 'get better' before I wrote more. I've realized that my need for things to be 'better' is driven by my need for certainty, answers and stability.

I crave all three of those things. I've had enough of not knowing whether or not we will ever sell our house. I need some more answers to my medical problems, not more questions. And, I need to work out what in the hell is going on with my PhD and other professional matters since I moved away from my grad school city. Everything's just a big mess, and as another year draws to an end, I want some certainty and direction. But I can't wait forever...

I've been back in Sleepy Boring Village for nearly six months and I'm behaving as though I'm waiting for bloody Godot. I'm not living my life because I'm constantly waiting for it to improve. I've got to do something about that...

I've waffled, I've rambled and I'm sure I've lost the interest of anyone who has managed to read this far, but I did at least write vaguely what I wanted. I now want to write some posts on more concrete subjects, such as moving, my academic work, my health, my future plans etc. I feel that if I at least write about where I'm at with them right now, I'll be able to think things through more clearly and gradually make progress. I hope so. Thanks for sticking around...